My Career

Earlier this afternoon, I was queried by an overseas sex toy distributor. Visiting the company's web site to browse their product listings, I encountered several products that will be of obvious interest to all of you red-blooded young men and women out there.

Starting things off with a bang, we've got "Headless Erotic Virgin." Pretty self-explanatory.

In case, however, you're kind of a perv and actually like your women headed, also available is a regular "Erotic Virgin," or, as I like to call it, "Large Shapeless Blob Of Rubber With A Big Peach Vagina Painted Atop It."

For those of you who wish to cut out all those irrelevant female body parts betwixt orifices, try the aptly named "Breasts, Pussy, and Mouth," a pair of enormous breasts with a mouth sticking out from above and a vagina sticking out from below.

And don't forget about "Wrap-around Slut"! This product will certainly appeal to those among us whom have always wandered what it might feel like to bed a giant, quivering chunk of opaque placenta-textured ectoplasm.

Finally, for you purists out there, this prolific company has developed plain old "Vagina." Do note, however, that the packaging for this item lists its contents as: "Rubber, Flesh."

Since the catalog goes on for roughly a dozen more pages and I hate to be long-winded, I'll spare you descriptions of the products that I've affectionately renamed "Gun Shot Wound On Disembodied Elephant Trunk," "Sexy Rubber Trout Mouth," "Anemone Infant Fist," and "That Lady's Got a Fever. No, really."

After all, some things are better left to the imagination.