You've Got Hate Mail

Yesterday, I went to San Francisco to hang out with my dear friend, L, who had just returned from a whirlwind trip to Montreal to find 2 pieces of mail waiting for him. The first was a rejection letter from the American Journal of Public Health, who failed to see the application of his groundbreaking research in queer health because they are big stupid fathead jerkfaces, or, as Mr. Insulty puts it, "American Journal of Public Health so serviceable, when it build a house out of spooky sugarplums, bicycle clips perform dubious acts upon a flamethrower!"

Take that, you sub-epidemiologists.

The second piece of mail had no return address and was labeled in suspiciously labored script, as if it had been written by someone using her non-dominant hand. Curious, L opened this envelope and found a single sheet of paper, carrying the following message: "Dear L, You're just a stuck-up snob. Do the world a favor, and grow up." He immediately fell asleep.

Now, I'm not going to begrudge someone her opinion (for proof, see above sophisticated critique of the AJPH), even of my dear friend L, health researcher, friend and maker of meatloaf, but this emissary has left me with some questions. I'm hoping that whoever wrote it will swing by my blog and answer the following questions for me lest I ever deign to compose my very own hate letter.

First, is the "Dear ___," salutation the most effectively hateful sentiment with which to open such a letter? I'm wondering if something more like, "Undear ___," or "You big head," might pack more punch. Then again, I'm the student here. Hmmm. If this were the GRE, the problem might be phrased something like: Imagine there is a jerk named Percival. The most effective hate letter to him might begin: a) "Dear Percival, I despise you, creepburger"; b) "Undear Percival, your loins bleat like pigeons"; or c) "You big head, I really rather hate you." My gut is telling me C, but you're the expert here, so do let me know which of the three truly brims with the most vitriol.

Secondly, if you wish to advise someone to mature in some way (ie, "grow up") is the best means of delivery for that message an anonymous letter penned in your non-dominant hand so as to disguise the handwriting? I mean, maybe. But I'm thinking a good old-fashioned rock to the head might do the trick. Or, ooh, even better, let's toilet paper some lawns!

I do hope I can report back soon with some definitive answers to these important questions. Until then, I'll have to find other methods to cope with my envy regarding L's good fortune; after all, you haven't really made it until you've received your first piece of hate mail. Congratulations, L!